I woke up this morning feeling a little guilty over some mistakes I made recently. However, the strangest thing happened as soon as I began to rehearse my sins in my head. I sensed God's presence at war with my thought process. You see, YEARS of church has conditioned me to believe that God is angry with the sinner and ready to punish EVERY evil deed that I perform in this temple that He has given me. Surely, I should beat myself up and focus on my wrongdoings in order to show God how sorry I am and possibly attract a morsel of His mercy to be extended towards me in the form of forgiveness.  But what God revealed to me this morning literally KNOCKED ME UNCONSCIOUS!

There are few things that I can think of that are more aggravating than not being able to sleep. When my daughter was days and weeks old it was pretty hard adjusting to being forced to wake up several times throughout the night because of her crying. I didn't care how cute she was, she was getting on my nerves! She sleeps through the night now but sometimes I have to keep her awake until her bedtime to ensure that she adheres to her schedule and doesn't wake up before time. She HATES that! She doesn't care if I'm playing with her or talking to her, when she's sleepy she's CRANKY! Well, despite her ability to sleep all night now, I haven't slept well in months! Needless to say, it's been pretty aggravating. The frustrating part is I really think it's God's plan that I am so restless right now. To be REALLY honest, I think He wants to share something with me but He has a terrible communication problem...

It's been a long time since my last blog entry and one of the reasons is the beautiful little girl that you see in the picture above. On December 4, 2010 my life changed when Quinn Heiress Brielle McPherson entered the world. Since that day, my entire existence has been consumed by catering to her every need and whim. The truth of the matter is I am totally and unashamedly in love with this gift from God. In the six months since she was born I stopped caring about dating, partying, shopping, blogging, sleeping, traveling, etc. The only things I've really wanted to do were to see her EVERY day, buy her clothes and toys, and spend as much time with her as humanly possible. She has brought immeasurable joy into my life and I can't thank God enough for allowing me to be her father. However, also since her birth, there has been this gloomy presence lurking within my thoughts and dreams at night. I often wake up sweating and nearly in tears as a result of these reoccurring nightmares. It happened again EARLY this morning and despite my short and specific sexual history, I entertained for a moment if this haunting vision about me could actually be true. Do I really have another child out there that I don't know about?