I like to believe that I'm a pretty decent person and I'm fairly happy with the man I'm becoming. However, I'll spare you the long drawn out attempt to create suspense before I get to the punch line of what's on my heart right now. Despite, my many unlisted great traits I have a HUGE character flaw that has almost crippled my life.

Most people who know me have never seen this flaw first hand, but those who have been close to me and chose to betray my trust know exactly what it is. For lack of worse terms I'll simply call the monster that lives inside my soul, ANGER!

However, the truth of the matter is, that which lies dormant in my soul and waits for an outside hurt to unlock his cage is far more sinister than mere anger. He has proven to be relentless and willing to stop at nothing to make sure that those who hurt me know EXACTLY how much pain they've caused and how much he intends to NEVER allow them to forget it.

Now, before you email this blog to the police, let me assure you that the world and those around me have nothing to fear. This dark force is not violent and poses no physical threat whatsoever. The sad thing is that the only real devastation he has ever caused has not been to those who assaulted my soul. Rather, he has consistently and methodically harmed and hindered the very person he was supposedly defending, me.

As I hurry to my point (musician walks slowly to the organ)...

After some pretty devastating life occurrences (childhood molestation, drug addicted father, dropping out of high school, infidelity, etc) I developed a pretty hard shell that prevents me from trusting people and thereby insulating me from getting hurt. Nevertheless, despite my prudent efforts, I've lent my trust to people, who earned it over time, only to STILL be betrayed and left bleeding emotionally all over myself.

It's a little risky for me to publish this entry because I'm still processing some pain attached to some recent hurts caused by people I allowed to share my space. I never thought I'd be in this place AGAIN in my life but my self-esteem was actually adversely affected by the actions of others.

For me, there is no pain greater than having my love, honesty, loyalty, and generosity repaid with evil, lies, betrayal, and selfishness. Needless to say, it can be DEVASTATING when you reap what you have NOT sown. What I'm simply trying to say is that there are some hurts that not only make you look at your offender differently, but it can affect the way you see yourself. I believe it is THAT self-altering view that causes the anger and resentment to linger.

Often times, when we are hurt, we become insecure and subsequently feel inadequate. We question what we did to deserve the mistreatment. We feel like the perpetrator wasted our time and energy, and possibly altered our course. Their wrongdoings send us a clear message that we are not valuable to them. We can't forgive them because it feels like, if we do, we then agree with their assessment of our worth. To let "it" go seemingly means that what was done to us is ok and therefore we aren't valuable. We think holding on to the resentment is a denotation that we disagree with our attacker's evaluation of our worthiness.

This thought process could not be farther from the truth. Holding on to the hurt and resenting the one who hurt you actually denotes the converse. Unforgiveness says what they did MATTERS! The angrier I am and the longer I hate you is a function of how much I believe your actions have altered my worth or my destiny. I can't stay mad if I truly believe that I am far more valuable than you were able to discern. As we align ourselves with the creator we discover that HE has placed a high appraisal over our lives and NO ONE but Him can change that valuation.

Let me preach a little bit now... Jesus (God in the flesh) was sold by Judas, in an evil act of betrayal, for thirty pieces of silver (Matthew 27:3). How degrading to even put a monetary value on a life, especially a mere thirty coins. To add more insult, this is the son of God we're talking about. C'mon son! Anyway, that act of betrayal eventually led to Jesus being beaten, spit on, stabbed, and even crucified. Keep in mind he was innocent and spent his life serving the very people who were trying to kill him. Yet, despite all of this, Jesus asks his Father to forgive them because they didn't know what they were doing (Luke 23:34). Jesus knew who He was, even if they didn't.  He didn't let Judas' price of thirty coins, or the beatings and insults of the blood thirsty mob to alter his SELF-WORTH. It was EASY for him to forgive because He fully understood that NOTHING they did could change who he was or what the Father had said about him. Years before, in an audible voice from heaven, God himself declared about Jesus, "This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased!" (Luke 9:35).

On my path to TOTAL forgiveness and healing it is vitally important that I understand what God has said about me. Once I realize that, the only other thing that matters is what I say to myself. My internal dialogue should reflect His words. Nothing anyone has done to me should be allowed entry into that sacred place. I must guard my heart against resentment and anger and I must rehearse God's intention rather than my enemy's actions. I refuse to allow ANYONE else's words or deeds to alter what I believe in my heart is true and divine within myself. For as a man thinks, in is heart, so is he... (Proverbs 23:7)

Today, I ANTicipate the pain of my past to be erased and the anger to be evicted as I ingest God's thoughts about me. I further ANTicipate my ability to repay evil with good and love those who hate me as I understand that EVERY weapon against my life has failed miserably because of Christ! I give Him praise!



Bonus Quotes:
I posted these on facebook yesterday as I was inspired to do so.

When you hold on to hate you say to the person that hurt you, "your actions matter." When you forgive you say to yourself, "only I can stop God's plan from being birthed in my life." Today, I choose to no longer give meaning and purpose to what has happened in the past. I now welcome creativity to return to my life and God's plan for my future to be fully executed!

As I hold on to my resentment, I say to God, "I don't believe your plan or power is greater than the plan and power of the one who hurt me." Letting "it" go and forgiving then becomes my act of faith that provokes God to move in my life and leave behind a blessing that will cause me to say, "my suffering was worth it"