I remember the first time I was molested!

Posted: Friday, November 5, 2010 by Anthony in
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I couldn't blog yesterday because I spent most of the day at the hospital with my little brother. However, on Wednesday I briefly mentioned my childhood battle with molestation. Ironically (or divinely) I hear that Oprah is airing a show today where 200 men will admit they were molested as well. Since Oprah is God's twin sister (lol) I feel like He must want me to discuss my experience and process of healing a little more.

My first memory of being touched inappropriately was around the age of five or six. I won't go into any detail but I will say that I felt my soul change in that moment. I didn't have the vocabulary to articulate it then, but I now know that the physical act was a gateway to impart something evil into my spirit. I had been targeted, not just by a wicked human being who wanted my body, but by a much stronger spiritual enemy who wanted to destroy my soul and my life. It took me years to figure out what was going on. It seemed like every year a different person was trying to lure me into bed and I wasn't even twelve years old yet. If it wasn't the camp counselor, it was the lady at church, or the trusted friend of the family. Not all of them touched me inappropriately, but from the behavior and vernacular of the ones who did, I could easily tell where the others planned to take me.

I happened to catch some of Tyler Perry's interview on Oprah and I was a little shocked to hear how similar our stories were, in that he was molested by multiple people, both male and female. Like him, I honestly thought something was wrong with me since it kept happening and I was the only common denominator. I was so confused. I didn't know if it meant I was gay, an evil person, going to hell, or what. I knew I didn't feel like I was any of those things but surely there must've been something in me that was attracting such filthy behavior towards a child. I mean, what are the chances of the same thing happening repeatedly to the same person by the hands of different people?

When I finally became a teenager and learned Ephesians 6:12, I started to understand how this is possible. It states, ...we are NOT fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in the dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. It all began to make sense. It was the same act committed against the same person by different people because it was the same spirit. I wasn't fighting against multiple flesh and blood entities, I was fighting against ONE unseen evil spirit using those people (watch Denzel's movie "Fallen" if you don't understand what I'm saying). There was NOTHING wrong with me or causing these things to happen to me. There was a wicked force trying to alter my destiny and keep me from knowing the true love and goodness of God.

It almost succeeded. The list of effects molestation HAD on me is too lengthy for this blog entry but I hope to share them in greater detail soon. I think one of the most profound effects it had on me was in my teen years. I was angry about EVERYTHING. I struggled heavily with a deep depression and with suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't leave my room, bathe, or go to school for days and weeks at a time. I ended up just dropping out and getting a GED in order to at least have something to say I finished. It seemed like I would always be haunted by the shame and embarrassment of my childhood and that it would keep birthing new experiences for the rest of my life to be ashamed of.

But, GLORY TO GOD, that was FAR from the truth. I'm gonna write more in depth about how Jesus saved and changed my life. For now, let's just say I do NOT believe in Him because I read about Him in the bible, or because some preacher at church said He is the way to go. I have developed a REAL relationship with Him that has forever changed the course of my life. While men are on tv crying about their past, I write blogs about it without ONE sad tear because Christ has erased the pain, shame, and effects of my traumatic experiences. My life is NOT blessed and wonderful by coincidence. In the same manner that it made no sense for different people to molest the same little boy unless there was an unseen spirit at work; It makes no sense for me to be this whole and blessed except there be a GREATER unseen Spirit at work!

Possessing only a GED has not stopped Him from blessing me and providing for me throughout my life. I can't tell you ALL of my business, but just know I'm extremely comfortable and ever increasing financially! There is a greater unseen power at work! Depression was unable to kill me or cause me to take my life. Instead, I went from not wanting to live to encouraging others to make sure they do so! Today, my inbox is full of people being blessed by this blog. There is a greater unseen power at work! The list of His accomplishments in my life go on and on...

Today, I honestly don't know WHAT to ANTicipate. When you trust God there is NOTHING impossible. At any moment He can change your whole life and blow your mind. I guess I'll just pray that other people allow Him to have control over their affairs so He can demonstrate exactly how good He wants to be to us!

12 comments:

  1. Anonymous says:

    Soooo powerful, bless you brother!

  1. Anonymous says:

    Daily ANTicipation: is a book in the making, Anthony keep blogging and be blessed.

  1. To this I say AMEN. And I know deeply that of which you write. The freedom that comes with casting away those hurts, guilty feelings and shames from the abuse that came in human form but from the forces of the principalities and spiritual wickedness that we war agaisnt.

    I don't stand and applaud you. I stand and give you a hug for choosing the path God had for you when you came to the crossroads. I know you met that crossroads. I can see it in what you wrote. It is part of anyone who has been in the place you were and come out a living witness of God's true nature and existence.

  1. Anthony, I have two words for you "The Truth". Daily Anticipation is one of the best blogs I've come across in a long time. I've read and loved every entry. Keep up the good work!! God Bless

  1. Anthony says:

    @Anonymous 1 Thanks! God bless you too!

    @Anonymous 2 We'll see lol I'm just freeing my soul one day at a time.

    @CM Whitener Powerful words! Thanks! Our God is AWESOME!

    @Viola That's very sweet of you to say. Thanks so much for the encouraging words!

    @Jesscia Thanks dear! TGBTG!!!

  1. Pervis Nash says:

    Anthony, I also wrap my arms around you my brother; I can empathise with you on this. Continue to let your light shine my friend, you are lighting the way for many!! Much blessings to you...

  1. Anonymous says:

    Speechless again for more reasons than you know.

  1. Anonymous says:

    I am crying right now Quinn....I did not know so many of our family members went through what I went through...My oldest sibling did it to me. You know who I am because I called you last night at 4 on my way home...

  1. Anonymous says:

    Wow...I've never really spoken to you directly, but your gift of ministry is truly missed. God is never accidental in His ability to confirm a word...thank you for sharing. I intend to do the same!

  1. True Faith, thank u. When i was young I feel like I allowed myself to be molested bc i tried to act like it didnt happen and i dnt know why, then as an adult I wonder why do I still allow.... ppl always say Kelli you r so strong or Kelli you r so pretty, but no one really knows the depth of my damage. Which is something Im struggling with but being 32 now and want the best for me & my children reading this gave me true faith.

  1. Anonymous says:

    Crazy how much this blog. Just moved me. I feel a huge wieght lifted of my shoulders.I'm 21 years old and when I was 6 I was touched inappropriately by my moms boyfriend. I never told a soul because I was ashamed and embarrassed. All that changed a year ago when I found out I was having a baby girl.I live in fear everyday that's something bad will happen to my baby I feel like the cycle may never break because my mom was molested as a child too. Its hard for me to trust anyone,and every since I have had her I get the worst anxiety and I stay worried and depressed.when I told my mom that he had touched me when I was a child I didn't get the reactions that I was expecting instead she questioned if I was telling to truth because her husband denied it..and I don't know how Im supposed to forgive someone who doesn't admit to his mistake? I'm so torn and I just want to enjoy life and be happy for my daughter :(