I woke up this morning with the realization that I am harboring a terrible secret. It's actually been eating away at my soul for weeks but I never shared it with anyone because I honestly didn't feel like it was anyone else's business. However, I just can't move forward any longer until I free my conscience and admit what I can no longer hide. My only prayer is that my admission will inspire others to keep it real and confess they have the same secret!

Yesterday, I decided to take the long-term "booship" candidate out to eat and to the lake. Typical of a woman, it took her so long to get ready that my afternoon plans slowly turned into an evening agenda. By the time we reached the lake the sun was starting to set (yet somehow the temperature began to rise). There seemed to be a war waging between the beauty of the calm sun-glazed water and the radiance of Ms. X's glowing skin and piercing eyes. As each work of art battled for my undivided attention, I could feel myself losing control of the situation and being swept away by the salacious atmosphere. She must have also sensed my vulnerability as she gently leaned closer and whispered "kiss me." At that point there was nothing I could do but EXACTLY what she said. This was not the first time I had kissed her but there was something different in the air that ignited once our lips touched.

I couldn't blog yesterday because I spent most of the day at the hospital with my little brother. However, on Wednesday I briefly mentioned my childhood battle with molestation. Ironically (or divinely) I hear that Oprah is airing a show today where 200 men will admit they were molested as well. Since Oprah is God's twin sister (lol) I feel like He must want me to discuss my experience and process of healing a little more.

I've been gazing at this screen for a little while now, trying to figure out what to blog about this morning. I had a looooooong weekend and there are a million thoughts racing through my head. My heart is pounding so hard that I can feel my pulse throughout my whole body. My eyes are a little teary and there is a lump in my throat. I know by the time the sun comes up I'll be in full blown tears. You may wonder what is wrong with me. The answer is, NOTHING. It's actually the exact opposite. God has been so good to me that I am overwhelmed and unable to focus my thoughts this morning to produce a blog about any specific topic or occurrence. All I can seem to think about is how kind and gracious it is of the Ruler of the Universe to allow me to be in a relationship with Him. Though, He has done LOTS of great things for me, I'm more appreciative for His friendship and leadership. In other words, I'm grateful for His PRESENCE, not His PRESENTS. His Spirit abides with me and is far more valuable than ANYTHING in the universe. I'd sacrifice anything just to know He's with me. He continues to prove himself faithful to me and daily honors my lofty request: "God, have your way in my life." My soul thirsts and my spirit hungers for Him, and Him only. No amount of success, money, friends, or material gain could ever compare to the joy and fulfillment that has invaded my life as a result of His love for me. All I REALLY want to do is experience His love and share it with everybody else. I ANTicipate every opportunity possible to spread the love of Jesus to everyone who crosses my path.

He probably thinks I'm weird sometimes because of the way I look at him. I see myself in his eyes and I wonder how long his innocence will remain. By the time I was his age mine was long gone and the world was becoming an extremely ugly and hurtful place. While I'm staring, his eyes become crystal balls and I gaze into his future with hope that the same monsters that attacked me will leave him alone. When I'm done watching him, I often catch his glance fixed upon me. He seems to be looking for a preview of himself and what he might become. His words are proof. He asks to have my clothes, begs me to give him piano lessons, and tells me how much our time together means. The same eyes that were staring at him must look away before they start to water. He has no idea the extent of what I feel. We are twenty years apart but there is no one on earth closer. His texts literally make me cry. My prayers for him are violent and intense. God MUST hear me when I talk about him and make decrees over his life and future. It's now 7am and he'll be here in about thirty minutes. My mom will drop him off, but I will "pick him up." He's not heavy, he's my...

I spoke in a previous blog about my belief regarding the origin of dreams. There are probably more explanations available but I think our nocturnal visions originate from three possible sources. God is either speaking to us, the devil is trying to influence us, or our subconscious is having a blast. I guess I can make my grandmother happy and throw in that it may be something you ate. One of the beautiful things about relationship and intimacy with God is that He'll often give you inside information that you could NEVER have known otherwise. I woke up suddenly at 6am "on the dot" this morning after an interesting dream. Waking up suddenly "on the dot" early in the morning is always a sign to me that God has either spoken to me or wants to say something important to me. His words allow you to speak beyond yourself and say things that have not happened yet but will certainly occur. I can't mention all of the details of the dream but I do know that I am to share the warning that came with it. It was for me and at least one other person who will read this.

I'm well aware that there are MANY skeptics that question the existence of God and/or His concern with human affairs. There is nothing I can say in a few paragraphs that can convince anyone of His eternal presence and His desire to interact with humanity. For me the question has never been whether or not He will speak to me. It has always been whether or not I can hear Him. Despite His wealth and popularity, He has made Himself available for ANYONE to access Him. However, just like anyone who knows their value, He has reserved INTIMACY for people who pursue Him with passion and perseverance. There are SOME women you can take to McDonald's on a first date and then have THEIR cookies for dessert. But there are others with higher self-esteem and self-worth that will make you pursue them for a long time (hopefully even marry them) before they give you some. God is far too valuable to be EXPECTED to answer us and interact with us after we spit a little game and step to Him with some half-hearted and weak pursuit. He may every now and then show us a peak to get us interested, but ultimately He rewards those that DILIGENTLY seek Him (Hebrews 11:5-7).

I need to preface this post by stating emphatically that I am a heterosexual male. I don't say that to pass judgement on those who are not; I just don't want anyone to be confused by the story I'm about to share. I was a little scared to admit this but last night I went to the mall to help my friend find an outfit. Fellas, before you judge me, please hear me out! I'm grooming her to be a potential candidate for long-term "booship" but she needs a little wardrobe boost to match my swag! So, she graciously asked me to accompany her to NorthLake Mall (I prefer SouthPark) and I reluctantly accepted. Secretly, I was excited for the opportunity to dress a woman in clothes a MAN (me) wants to see her in!

Sometimes I think I have OCD. Occasionally, I scrub so hard in the shower that I irritate my skin. I'll redesign a flier 20 times before I'm satisfied and even then I have to force myself not to revisit it. My friends don't always enjoy working with me on projects because I can get pretty anal and micro-manage every phase of the process. My attention to detail is a gift and a curse. Most times, it serves me well but other times it multiplies my anxiety if my attention is focused on the wrong details. However, this morning during my meditation I believe I found the cure for my disease.

Dear Enemies,

I woke up this morning with you on my heart. I want to preface this letter by letting you know that I do NOT share your hatred. God has loved me so hard that He has literally squeezed the hate out of me. I'm well aware that I can't convince you of my sincerity or goodwill towards you, but my prayers will not cease on your behalf. I'm not completely sure what some of your motives are for disliking me but if I have truly earned your wrath, I apologize and ask your forgiveness. If you simply dislike me because of something you perceive and nothing that I've actually done to you, I honestly don't know what to do about that. Either way, please know that your opinion of me has NO effect on how God feels about me. He loves me just as much as He loves you and He refuses to stop blessing me based on your view of me. I'm tempted to hate you back and talk about you the same way you talk about me, but I'm so focused on my own life that I really don't have time to spare. I'll only hate those of you who have the power to alter my destiny and impede God's plan for my life. Since none of you do, the only response you'll get from me is LOVE. You'll never even know that I am aware of your gossip, hatred, or lies. Your attempts to hurt, curse, and hinder me have all failed. I harbor no ill-will towards you because nothing you have tried has actually worked. God has been so faithful to me, despite your opposition, that it has become impossible for me to take you seriously as an enemy. My prayer is that you would recognize His faithfulness in your lives as well and that you would give me less attention and give Him more. It doesn't matter what you want for me; I want the BEST for you! I pray for your protection and provision. I pray that you will be so blessed that I won't even cross your mind. As you hope for my downfall, I hope for your promotion. As you celebrate my failures, I mourn yours with you. As you focus on my faults, I highlight your good points. I pray for peace between us and I ANTicipate God's intervention in our relationships! Be forever blessed!

Love ALWAYS,
Anthony

I've been staying with a friend while I'm looking for a new place. It has been an interesting experience because I'm a little bougie when it comes to certain aspects of my life. Most people that know me will testify that I am extremely inviting and tolerant of all people. I don't care what you look like, where you live, or how much money you have. As a matter of fact, I can't stand to be around arrogant people or people who promote exclusivity. I get quiet and bored pretty quickly when people start talking about themselves and all of their achievements. I typically tend to downplay what I have unless I'm talking about God's graciousness to allow me to obtain it. Therefore, I have been able to overcome the absence of real hardwood floors or marble, the presence of faux granite counter-tops, and the lack of silence/privacy that exists within the thin walls of apartment living. The truth is I have adapted wonderfully and even began to enjoy my brief stay here. However, the ONE thing that I can't seem to extract from underneath my skin is the unrest I feel as I gaze upon the many luxury vehicles occupying parking spaces.

I'm going out of town this weekend and the first thing I want to do to is hit the strip club! However, I don't think I'm going to do it because I can't get my whole being to agree. I believe that everyone is made of three components: spirit, mind (soul), & body. My body is the only one that really wants to go. My mind knows it's a waste of money and my spirit has been reborn so he REALLY doesn't want me to go. As I evolve into the man that God designed for me to be I'm trying to keep "all three Anthonys" on the same page. It's not that I believe in some angry and emotional God that's ready to kill me for every little thing I do wrong. If that were the case, I wouldn't have lived pass 2 years old. My issue is that when I'm led by other parts of my being besides my spirit (which in now controlled by God's Spirit), I get in TROUBLE!

I've been working so hard for the last few days that I haven't had much time for anything else. I haven't talked on the phone (unless it was business), responded to emails, updated my facebook status, or even tweeted but a few little pitiful thoughts. To top it all off, I haven't been sleeping which has left me irritable and moody. I definitely didn't feel like blogging, because I only had ONE thing on my mind: WORKING! Despite all of this hard work, which supposedly pays off, there was still this great sense of worry inside me that I haven't been able to shake. I woke up this morning with the absence of peace, which is always my indicator that God (my peace) is not near. Fortunately, I've been here many times before and I know EXACTLY what to do! I'm quitting my job!

I have been drunk MANY times before on purpose but this weekend was an accident. I don't have time or energy to debate the scriptures with any "super christians" on whether or not "saints" can have a lil' sip. My understanding of scripture and my conversation with God permit me to partake of an occasional strong drink with a clear conscience. I actually miss my home church that served the "real thing" during communion. However, the bible is VERY clear in Ephesians 5:18 when it says, "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit." The only reason I violated this passage on Saturday was that I forgot to eat and my tolerance for alcohol consumption was severely decreased. I had no intention of getting drunk, but as I partook of my drink of choice for the evening (cranberry and vodka) the inevitable happened...

Last night I had a text message fight with some acquaintances that upset me pretty bad. Like most arguments, it begin over something fairly petty but ended up exploding into a heated battle with both sides warring to protect themselves. I was so focused on getting my point across and my questions answered that I didn't realize I was coming across as being disrespectful. However, the light bulb only took a few seconds to come on after I was CUSSED out via a rapid series of text messages that hit my phone like bullets. The words pierced my soul so deeply that my body had a physical reaction. I could feel my heart speeding up and my stomach becoming knotted. Despite my belief that I was "in the right," I immediately apologized. At that point it no longer mattered to me who was right or wrong, it just hurt me to know that I hurt someone else. All I wanted then was peace between us.

Yesterday, I spent most of my day helping my friend pick out a house. We toured several homes, along with the realtor and the seller's agent. I was hoping they'd reschedule because of the nonstop rain that we were experiencing in Charlotte, but apparently rain has no effect on people when they are working for commission. As we went from home to home and in room after room I began to get almost as excited as my friend, knowing that home ownership was about to become a reality. Eventually, everyone begin to ask my opinion about each home but I told them I was just there for moral support. In my mind I was really saying, "It doesn't matter what I think, she's already been approved." My only advice was, "Get EXACTLY what you want!" My friend has been involved in the NACA program and acquired pre-approval before initiating her search for a home.

Yesterday I received my first "negative" response to one of my posts. I placed the comments in that category, NOT because the person had an opposing view, but because of how it made me feel. I knew that in my effort to "keep it real" I'd encounter people who disagreed with some of my statements. However, I'm not yet emotionally equipped enough for my words to be twisted, my writings to be taken out of context, or my intentions to be misconstrued. I don't consider myself to be a great writer but I do place great effort into trying to convey my heart clearly. Whether ANYONE agrees with ANYTHING I say is irrelevant, but I would like to at least be understood.

I was a little upset with myself for letting the comments get to me and once I reassembled my emotions I started typing my reply to the person's concerns. I'm not sure if we came to an agreement but I definitely sensed a change in their tone after our conversation ended. I honestly think they understood me better and could feel where I was coming from. It was hours later that I realized something: THIS IS HOW GOD FEELS!

You can hate all you want but something in you will have to admit that I don't look too bad in this picture. I  took it on Sunday after I discovered that I was going to participate in a photo shoot in a few hours that may require me to take my shirt off. Despite several months of binge eating and inactivity, I immediately ran to the closet to get my weights and begin a rigorous training session. I started working out like I was on crack. (Do crackheads workout?) Anyway, you know what I mean. I was doing bicep curls, pushups, tricep isolation, shoulder sets, etc. I had ONE goal in mind: pump up my good qualities and focus the attention of the photographer to those regions.

Those who know me well are aware of how long I've been in a steamy affair with the church. It started when I was five years olds walking from the Double Oaks Community across Statesville Avenue to get to my Sunday service. I remember vividly the day I, still age five, gave Pastor Parker my hand and God my heart. I would wake up early on Sundays in ANTicipation of dressing up and going to church. My mother was young (22) and didn't always feel like going so I would cry until she would at least drop me off at the side door of the edifice. I literally grew up in the sanctuary. I led my first song in front of the congregation at age six and for the next 25 years I was either the worship leader, workshop facilitator, organist, pianist, choir director, intercessory prayer member, armor bearer, or one of many more titles I can't even remember. Needless to say, I developed a great affinity for what we call church and all that it represents.

After over 25 years of faithful dedication and service within local assemblies I walked away suddenly. Actually, what seemed sudden to everyone else was really the culmination of a 25+ year journey in my personal evolution. After giving all I could possibly give to bishops, pastors, churches, choirs, and congregations, I completely stopped going to church and I have not been back since February. I've finally lost my confidence...

I was honestly unprepared for all of the feedback that I received from yesterday's post. I spent most of my day responding to emails, tweets, and facebook comments regarding my "confession" and my admission of guilt. To say that I was deeply moved doesn't even scratch the surface of the range of emotion that I experienced. Eventually, I was forced to swallow my "WESTSIDE" pride and allow a couple of tears to escape my rusty tear ducts. EVERY comment was positive and I'm appreciative to all who took time to read my blog.

Call me naive but I am genuinely surprised by the media coverage and subsequent response from the general public regarding the allegations surrounding Bishop Eddie Long. I wasn't even searching for the story but found myself unable to escape the details as it seems like EVERY news station, facebook friend, and twitter follower had something to report about the bishop. Allegations and scandals occur everyday so I was not surprised by the lawsuits. What has me dumbfounded is the angry mob of "judges" in the court of public opinion that have already convicted him and sentenced him to exile from their flawless society. I have no idea whether he is guilty or not but I'm a little saddened and fearful because I do have knowledge of someone who has been involved in things a lot worse than what the bishop has been accused of. I'll avoid the temptation to speak about this evil bastard in third person and confess that "he" is me! I'm guilty! I am scum and I really don't deserve to live.

I just woke up from a very vivid dream that SEEMED to last all night! I don't know whether to be grateful or disturbed. During the dream I kept waking up and falling back asleep and each time a different girl was in my bed. I'll be honest and admit that two of them are girls I've actually had sex with before. You can stop reading now if you think this post is going somewhere because I can't promise you that there is a point. I will say, however, that I'm a little disturbed by the dream. You see I'm genuinely trying to make sure I don't repeat the mistakes of my past, yet I feel myself being tempted to be worse than ever.

Today marks a HUGE shift in my life. It may seem small to the world right now but it won't be long before Daily ANTicipation makes a significant impact on our culture. I say this without hesitation because this site will ultimately reflect the ONE who changed my life. I have been snatched from the pitch black darkness of years of depression that almost ended my life and thrown into the torrid spotlight that beams on those who achieve even moderate success in our growing city. My life is becoming the perfect picture of God's unlimited kindness to an unqualified man who simply believes and ANTicipates what HE says will SURELY take place! Join me as we laugh, cry, think, and prepare ourselves in Daily ANTicipation of a better life!

Now sing this brief song with me in ANTicipation...